useful?

Today's entry in "My Utmost For His Highest" (Oswald Chambers) contains the following:

"God plants his saints in the most useless places.  We say - God intends me to be here, because I am so useful.  Jesus never estimated His life along the line of the greatest use.  God puts His saints where they will glorify Him, and we are no judges at all of where that is."

Whoo-eee.  I read this before heading into my day at work.  My useful day.  Useful for God, since I work at a church.  Right?  I wrote in my journal, "Wow, what a trap for me - thinking that I'm useful to You!  Change my thinking, Lord - let me bloom where you've planted me, not by being useful but by glorifying You."

He answered within a couple of hours.  I was rendered useless.  And I pray that I glorified Him. 

new habits

I've been working towards changing old habits, and finding new ones to replace them with.  Thinking on what I need to "fast" from and what instead I should "feast" on.  And it's hard!  I am a creature of habit, though, and with practice I hope that in time I will succeed.

Lexi spent last night with us, and at bedtime she wanted me to read her the book pictured at the left.  This "book" was written and illustrated by Brandon in the 5th grade - I wish I could take a picture of every page and let you read it.  Very funny stuff.  And, as you might imagine, coming from my gene pool the illustrations are ... well ... a bit confusing at best (sorry Beej). 

It was a surprise to even find this treasure, as I am not a "keeper of things" and since my kids are grown I've sent their stuff with them.  But Lexi is entranced with it, and every time she's been here since we found it, she wants it for her bedtime story.  Last night she was so tired I said no, and she asked if we could have it as a first-thing-in-the-morning story instead.  Her sweet little face appeared beside my bed promptly at 7:00 a.m. this morning, and the book was under her arm.  She crawled up beside me, and we read.

Those of you who know me at all know that I am all about routines and schedules and such.  So it is not a stretch that Lexi, blood of my blood, is probably much the same.  But I was struck this morning as I was thinking about how hard it is for me to form "new habits" that it is VERY EASY for Lexi to form them.  And to remember them without fail, and to follow through on them faithfully.  She does this unconsciously, surely (she's only six, right?!), but I am paying attention.  I think I will do my best to take my cue from her.

she speaks, He moves, he serves

This was a truly incredible weekend.  I traveled to Concord, NC, with Debbie and Ruth, two of my Olathe Bible Church cohorts, to the "She Speaks" conference with no expectations and a sore neck.  I came home with loads of information and tools to use in our Women's Ministry from the breakout sessions.  I came home refreshed by Cheri Keaggy's worship times.  I came home with the utterly unexpected gift of a prayer partner who lives in North Carolina. I came home completely broken and at the same time renewed and encouraged and challenged by the God-messages given by the keynote speakers.

I also came home with lots of great memories and the knowledge that because of this shared experience, my relationship with my cohorts has been moved to a new and deeper level.  We laughed together, cried together, and prayed together.  (Laughter = Debbie telling me she should have brought her scissors so she could cut my hair - I just got a haircut! And Ruth admiring my flat toes.)

I still have so much to process.  But I am struck by the notion that the term "she speaks" means something different for each of us as women.  We are not all "speakers" in the traditional sense, although some are.  Some speak to God on our behalf.  Some speak mercy and compassion into our lives.  Some boldly speak truth to us even when it hurts.  Some speak by hugging us and wiping away our tears.  Some speak by holding us accountable.  Some speak through writing, music, art.  Some speak by teaching.  Some speak by not speaking at all, only listening.  But hasn't God given us all a way to "speak" His glory and love and realness to each other?  Do we hold back sometimes because we don't speak the same way as those we admire?  Are we willing to let God speak through us in the way HE planned all along?  Or do we resist, feeling unworthy, unwise, unmerciful, unequipped, or some other "un" label we give ourselves?  When we speak according to His will for us, He moves.

One of the most powerful takeaways for me was the challenge to remember my "first love" for Jesus.  How did I think?  How did I pray?  How did I act, in private and in public?  How starved I was for His word and teaching.  Life happens.  I grew and learned and changed.  And I drifted.  Not too far - I can still see the shoreline.  But I realize that I've been focused more on my ministry than on my God.  Time to return.  My ministry is only effective when my eyes are on Him.  Not just in the quiet space each morning with my Bible and my journal, but in all the moments of my days.

And he serves.  Who?  My husband.  I received so many encouraging and loving text messages when I was gone, the last one asking "what will you need when you get home?"  I walked into a clean house, a pantry full of groceries, and the arms of the one who hates to be separated from me but loves me enough to send me out.  He speaks - straight to my heart, a human reminder to me of the God who does the same.