These are in no particular order, and this is by no means a complete listing - my memory stinks WAAAY too bad for that to happen! But look at it this way, I will probably forget enough material for several more blog posts!
1) I don't care nearly as much as I used to whether my carpet is vacuumed when you come to see me. I'm just glad you're here.
2) My friends and family are great cooks! I have a whole new section of my cookbook thanks to the great meals they brought.
3) Receiving ... is hard. Doing it with genuine grace is even harder. Not being willing to receive, or not being able to do it graciously, robs the giver of joy, minimizes the love and care they want to show me, and is just plain prideful. Receiving doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make me a failure. It just means my burden is big enough that I need to share it, and I need to trust God to provide the meeters of my needs.
4) I set the bar really high for myself. Too high. Because my bar is perfection. That makes it sinfully high, honestly, because only God is perfect and the idea that I can even get close is quite simply sin. It took having that bar not just lowered but nailed to the floor for me to understand this and repent. There is a difference between excellence and perfection - God is perfection, and he wants my best effort - my excellence - but I need to leave the perfection to him. This is both the most important and most difficult lesson of the summer, and honestly, I am fearful that I will slide back into this lifelong way of behaving, thinking, "performing" without realizing it. This is the lesson that I am begging God to make permanent. Perfectionism robs me of so much and I've sacrificed much on its altar - do you see with me how it can be an idol? When I'm striving for perfect, where are my eyes? On myself, my task, the expectations of others ... and they are NOT on God. Anything that takes my eyes off God can be an idol, and this has been one for me. I feel like a once-vital piece of me has been scooped out and is still empty, waiting for God to fill it as he pleases ... I can't help but be afraid that I will, out of inattention or discomfort, fill it myself.
5) My oldest little is INCREDIBLY compassionate for a 7-year-old.
6) I am not defined by the tasks that I do or don't do, whether that's laundry, finishing a book, or planning a conference. I am a broken vessel, on the Potter's wheel for the rest of my life, and if I define myself by my tasks then by default I cannot be defined by God - my Creator. I cannot accept myself for who I am in His eyes if I am too busy looking at my own reflection.
7) A few frozen pizzas never hurt anybody.
8) An extra 10 pounds isn't the end of the world. (Not quite anyway.)
9) The 60+ pages I wrote while I was off? Well, that was just between me and God, a permanent record of the journey, not to be turned into something else, just to be kept and remembered when I need reminding.
10) Although I have never minded spending long stretches of time at home, not being able to drive added a dimension I wasn't prepared for! I felt like a prisoner - even though I had tons of help and offers to drive me, run errands, etc. - just the fact that I couldn't pick up my keys and walk out the door if I felt like it was maddening. Gave me a perspective and a heart for the homebound that I didn't have before.
11) I re-discovered a hunger for Christian non-fiction - this might be a time thing for the most part, as I had hours and hours to read and write and process that I didn't have before and won't likely have again, but I read some fantastic books that really challenged me and made me re-define my thinking in some key areas, like social injustice, the Holy Spirit, giving, loving like crazy. This one I really hope will be ongoing - I used to read such books insatiably and have just gotten away from them over the years.
12) God's Word is alive. Active. Sharp as a two-edged sword. Filled with promises that He wants me to claim. True. A big story of redemption - mine and yours. My mechanical "quiet time" has been replaced with an insatiable appetite for the Bible, and I am going to have a hard time going back to a schedule that requires me to shut that down at a specific time rather than when the Spirit shuts it down!
13) Not wearing makeup is really good for my skin.
14) Knowing my limits, on all levels, is really important. Pushing beyond them is not helpful or healthy and bites me back more often than not. Remember, Angie, you are not defined by how many hours you work this week. :)
15) Last but definitely not least (for today anyway): My husband is an amazing man. He took care of me, looked out for me, protected me, fed me, picked me up off the bathroom floor more times than I can count, took over all the household chores, loved me with all his heart - all while carrying a huge burden of the fear of the unknown. Leaving me, especially in those early days, was excruciating for him. He lost his companion and gained a "care-receiver," yet still needed to support our household while caring for me. I have no words for how thankful I am for him and for how deep my love is for him.
OK one more. I am loved. Three little words - one huge concept. Can you say the same, and really believe it?
4 comments:
Good stuff, Maynard!
I wrote some of those "pages" when I was having chemo. A year or so back I burned them. It was very freeing for me.
Ah I think my writing may have had a different tenor than yours Cassie - mine was all recorded thoughts, prayers, quotes, etc., that are now evidence of a sweet journey in the Potter's hands - painful, yes, but He came near, changed me and taught me - that's what's in my journal. For now I plan to hang on to it!
I just stumbled onto your blog and it's making me smile :) You're positivity through what seems to be an incredibly tough time is outstanding! This post really shows to me that the big picture is important, but the little things matter as well (i.e the frozen pizza comment). I admire you so much :)
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