My littlest little turned four yesterday. She is a 40-ish pound combo of princess, sweetness, third-child-loudness, excellent negotiation skills, quick wit, and sassiness. Lots of sassiness. She can do everything by herself (of course). But she also still fits perfectly on my lap for a snuggle - rocking a warm and lovely bundle right after she wakes up is as good as it gets for me.
She lets her wishes be known, and walks with what I can only describe as a "swagger" - I know, how is that possible in a four-year-old princess, but I'm not kidding you, she pulls it off. It's a cross between fearless confidence and, well, sassiness.
We've never had a girly-girl in the family before, so we are all learning as we go ... that you can never have too many Barbies, that a bath is not complete without bubbles, that her nails need to be painted ALL the time, that a huge dollhouse can consume her for hours, and that some combination of tiaras and tutus and high heels are a regular part of her ensemble on any given day.
Nope, still no diagnosis. A few possible explanations for some sypmtoms, but no overall answers. However, that news takes a back seat to what really matters: I am continuing to feeling better! It is so interesting to feel thankful to cook dinner for my husband. Or get my own groceries. Or even clean my toilet myself! Before you misunderstand let me say two things: First, if you are reading this and are one of the angels who has served me in one or more of these ways over the past months, THANK YOU! I honestly don't know what we would have done without you. But second, those tasks I mentioned used to be just mundane, everyday things in my life, some of which I enjoyed, some not so much, but the point is I just DID them without thinking - until I couldn't do them anymore.
Today, I give thanks while frying an egg, gathering shoes to put away, running to the library to return books, and yes, even while cleaning the toilet. (I might have only given thanks for the toilet once.) I have a different understanding of "give thanks in all things" - I have always thought of that in terms of hardship - even when things are hard, I am to give thanks, and of course this is true. However, it's never occurred to me to give thanks that I can get groceries! Another one, "do your work heartily, as unto the Lord" - always thought that applied to my job (or primary ministry) ... not so much to sweeping the floor.
And so I continue to process as I regain my energy. I have to go slow - of course I just want to go back to 100 mph right now. But I can't do that, my body won't let me. And frankly, I'm thankful, Because I really think the lessons I've learned during this time would quickly fade if I were able to do that.
I feel changed. I will (please God I hope I will!) go back to my job, and nothing in the end will look as if it's changed from the outside (except maybe a few more gray hairs and BIFOCALS, thank you very much). These few months have been hard, and scary, and discouraging. I will not ever say otherwise. But I will also never, ever, deny that God has used this time in a mighty way to show Himself to me and reveal some things to me ABOUT me that I don't think I was ever ready for prior to now. As a result my perspective towards Him, towards others, towards work of any and all kind, whether home, job, volunteer, missionary, prayer, or study, is different. I've realized how much I operate based on what I know, what I'm good at, what comes easily to me, what makes sense to me, without ever giving God a thought, let alone looking to see what He might have in mind. I pray every day that the work God has begun in me will not only carry through into every corner of my life, but will continue to progress because I choose to remain in the Potter's Hand as I slowly re-enter my "real life."
This song is speaking to me right now - I need to be mindful of what I just said - it would be so easy to just step back into my old shoes and go back to "Egypt" - it was comfortable and I was happy enough there right? At least it was safe and a known quantity. However. I don't think it fits me anymore.
This has been a longer pause than I intended! I do have some good excuses ... mainly that until this past week I have been in a drug-induced haze. One of the medications I've been on that is supposed to prevent migraines (Topamax) simply makes me stupid. Instead of getting better, over six weeks' time, it just kept getting worse, until I felt like I was losing pieces of myself day by day. I got to the point where getting the dishwasher loaded was a big accomplishment for the day, and anyone who knows me realizes how ridiculously WRONG that is!!
On top of that, two weeks ago I aspirated something (food or liquid) into my lungs and ended up with pneumonia. Needless to say, that incapacitated me for awhile. Thankfully we caught it early so I was "cured" with antibiotics and avoided the hospital.
Two weekends ago, I decided enough was enough. I did a TON of research and discovered that the reaction I was having to the Topamax was not unusual, and would probably not get any better as long as I was on it. Considering that I was still having almost daily migraines, it seemed pretty obvious that it is not helping, and the side effects are intolerable. So after talking with one of my doctors, I began the process of safely tapering off the Topamax and starting another medicine that I have taken before (and tolerated well) that is also a good preventive for migraines.
I also discovered that migraneurs often have magnesium deficiencies, so I started taking magnesium supplements last Monday. I also found that caffeine is terrible for migraines ... ARGH!!!!! But at this point the potential tradeoff is worth it, so I have been cutting back my caffeine drastically with the goal to be caffeine free.
THE RESULT: I had a fantastic week last week!! My energy is returning, my brain is de-fogging, I've rediscovered my sense of humor, and I'm BORED! That may be the best sign of all. :) I only had two headaches last week. Most exciting: I was able to attend a big family function Saturday, and went to church on Sunday for the first time since May. All attempts to be part of big groups of people previously have failed - sensory overload I guess. I would get a migraine almost immediately and have to leave. So I am just thrilled beyond words to have had such a great week and to have been able to interact with people I love outside of my house.
I did have an MRI on my neck last Friday (checking to see if the disc above the one that was fused last summer has possibly herniated - we know it is bulged and if it has herniated it could be causing a lot of my symptoms) and a vision evoked potential test today (checks how fast my brain responds to stimuli - another MS test). These are the last two tests that I know of, and once I have those results we plan to gather everything up and go back to my primary care doctor for help in deciding where to go from here. There are a lot of "borderline" results in my various tests, but nothing definitive - of course it couldn't be that easy!
I continue to savor my morning time reading, studying, writing, and being still before God - this has been and continues to be an incredible time of spiritual growth for me, and while I don't especially like the particular circumstances, I would not trade the things I've learned and the way God has revealed Himself to me for anything!
My big littles started back to school today. I can hardly believe it - summer's gone and they are now in first and second grade. Speaking of savoring, time really does fly, and I continue to have impressed on me the importance of choosing well how I spend my time. It matters. Those little bodies are only going to fit beside me in this recliner for a little while longer, and sick or not, I want them snuggling me while they're still willing!
Happy Monday!
Ever have one of those moments (or days!) when you get mixed up, or forget something you know like the back of your hand, or put something in a totally random place, or mess something up you've done a million times? A bit disconcerting, no?
Well, I had one of those yesterday, and it nearly sent me off my rocker.
I diligently fill both Greg's and my little Monday-Sunday pill boxes every week. Needless to say mine has gotten a bit heftier lately. When I put his out for him yesterday morning, there was a white pill in there that I didn't recognize. And it was one more pill than what is normally in his "set." So I started to try to figure out what this extra fellow was. Now, to complicate things, between us we take THREE little white pills. And I was almost out of two of them, so my pillbox was not completed for the week with two out of the three.
The more I sorted the more confused I got. Naturally I had thrown away the empty bottles and hadn't yet picked up the new prescriptions. My biggest fear was that I had accidentally put my migraine medicine in his box, you know that one that makes me stupid? That's the LAST thing I need - to send him out the door to work with power tools on ladders, stupid.
I'm working my way into a full-fledged panic, because these are definitely three distinctively different pills. Even though they are all white and little, the letters they have on them are not the same. I'm ready to throw them all in the trash and start over (never MIND that one of these is $1 a pill!) when my mom comes in with the new prescriptions. So we get the two out that I had refilled and were able to sort two of the three into known piles. But still that left a whole pile that I not only had no I idea what they were, now I couldn't even remember whose box they had come from!!
Thankfully mom's level head saved the day - she called the pharmacy and (who knew?) there is a reference book they use to look up pills by color and size and the numbers and letters on the pill. I would venture to guess this little book is usually needed by 80 something year old people on the other end of the line, but whatever, it saved the day ... the extra pile of pills ended up being generic ZYRTEC which I just started putting in his pills this week because he's having allergies like crazy. Seriously. Memory trouble much?
I, of course, started bawling because 1) I was relieved and 2) apparently I have the memory of an 80 something, and I might be insulting them by saying that!
Oh well, as Jennifer Hudson proclaims, it's a NEW DAY!
